Passive aggressive | ||
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Child-like openness
Children often behave inappropriately. They say and do things that
shock adults.
The codes of conduct that govern adult society are largely unknown to
children.
Children are (in many ways) true to their natures.
Spiritual?
Taoism and Zen encourage a person to return to a condition of innocence.
To see the world anew. Without the ugly illusions created by modern
industrial society and commerce.
Unfortunately, many people who seek a 'spiritual path' fake such child-like
conduct.
They carefully cultivate an image and hide behind the
conceit.
Those who are defensive do not understand.
Those who understand have nothing to defend.
(Lao Tzu)
Negative emotions
Negative emotions are biologically harmful and can make you ill.
When you become angry, your body is flooded with hormones and adrenaline;
you enter a 'fight or flight' mode which is only intended for extreme
situations in which your life is endangered.
'Fight or flight' puts your body under duress.
Tai chi encourages a person to change the way they think in order to
reduce the likelihood of becoming angry.
Calm? Oh, really?
Tai chi attracts a wide spread of
potential students.
Many people are drawn to the idea of being calm and laid back, at peace with
existence.
We come across countless people with soft voices and
hard eyes. People with
dreadlocks, tattoos, friendly clothes but inner hostility.
Sadly, they often think that dressing calm and affecting a peaceful
demeanour is the same as actually being composed and detached.
Masks
We find out quite quickly that many of the seemingly calm people are
actually very angry inside.
They mask it with an image.
Zen has no time for facade. It is hard enough to come to terms with reality
without hiding your own nature.
Inward aggression
Not everyone shows their anger outwardly. Many people brood inwardly
and a quiet kind of anger develops.
This inner anger is never expressed through overt action or confrontation.
It is manifested in small ways, through pettiness and dishonesty.
Stubbornness. Awkwardness.
Anger
People who feel angry inside find their lives changed by the pent-up
emotion.
It twists their behaviour in unpleasant ways.
The anger becomes second-nature and involuntary. The person ceases to be
consciously aware of it.
Behaviour
Here are some examples of passive aggressive behaviour:
Act contrary to your feelings
Act contrary to your word
Afraid to show your anger openly
Agree with something when you do not really agree with it
Ambiguity
Avoid conflict at all cost by giving in to others, only to deceive them
Avoiding responsibility by claiming forgetfulness
Blame other people for your own mistakes
Chronic lateness and forgetfulness
Complaining
Failure to be true to your word
Failure to take responsibility
Falsehood and benevolent-seeming behaviour
Fear of intimacy
Feel pressured to act or believe in a certain way when you really do not want to
Hide your hostility by seeming to be nice to someone you dislike
Inability to be honest about your true feelings
Intentional inefficiency
Lie habitually
Losing things
Making excuses
Obstructionism
Procrastination
Quietly manipulate to get your own way, rather than be honest
Resentment
Resists suggestions from others
Sarcasm
Stubbornness
Sullenness
Tell people what they want to hear
This is not an exhaustive list.
It simply provides an indication of what 'passive aggressive' behaviour
means.
Low self-esteem
A passive aggressive person often has a poor self-image and low self
esteem.
They blame other people for their situation.
They feel disempowered and
unable to change things.
Cowardly
Instead of dealing with problems, they always back down publicly.
Rather than have a confrontation, the passive aggressive person acts
sneakily.
They lie and deceive. They give their word but do not keep it. They mumble
rather than speak clearly.
Sadly, a passive aggressive person actually reinforces their situation by
behaving in a manner that encourages other people to mistrust them.
The 5 ego defences
A passive aggressive person causes a lot of difficulty and conflict
in their own lives.
They create relationships that are unhealthy and unpleasant.
If their behaviour is questioned/challenged, the passive aggressive person
hides behind well-practiced ego defences:
Denial/understatement
Distrust
Blame
Projecting your thoughts/feelings onto others
Intellectualisation/rationalisation/justification
Anger must have something strong to hit against. If there is no response, no feedback, anger dissipates.
(John Lash)
Quietly hostile
Passive aggressive people are often quite hostile
and sometimes unwittingly vindictive.
Unfortunately, they are unaware of this and see themselves as being unable
to behave in that way.
It contradicts their own self-image.
Sneaky
Instead of being openly hostile, the passive aggressive person is evasive
and indirect.
They avoid addressing their problems. They avoid improving their
relationships.
Here are some examples of this behaviour:
Putting people down in a sarcastic way
Malicious gossip
Deny that they have any problems with their relationships
Avoid discussions about unpleasant topics
Talk about others in a negative or disparaging way, yet are nice and friendly to their faces
Make people look foolish by letting them down
Talk about change but take no action whatsoever
Show a consistent pattern of exerting no effort toward improving their relationships
Minimize the extent of the problems facing them in their relationships
Continue to deny that a problem exists when all the
evidence points to the opposite
Mumbling
Speaking is the primary form of human communication. It serves to
express ideas and feelings.
Mumbling is a common occurrence amongst passive aggressive people.
By mumbling, the passive aggressive person is once again withholding honest,
open communication.
They are failing to express their inner feelings.
Communication
Imagine that talking is like throwing a ball to another person...
You need to throw the ball to the person your are interacting with. They
need to be able to catch it.
If you hurl the ball randomly off in any direction, this lessens the chance
of the catcher receiving the ball.
Sincerity
Clear, direct, open speech improves the likelihood of other people hearing
what you have to say and understanding the intended message.
Mumbling assumes that the listener is prepared to be patient.
Eventually most people grow tired of asking the mumbler to repeat themselves
and give up.
They simply pretend to hear, but do not.
The person who is mumbling may realise that other people are not listening
to them and feels increasingly marginalised.
A talker
Not all passive aggressive people mumble. Others love to talk but
their words seldom have import.
They talk rather than act.
Words are used as a veil to hide behind.
The passive aggressive person feels safe behind a screen of 'lies and
evasions'.
Avatar
Passive aggressive people may hide behind an internet 'personality' in order
to avoid face-to-face confrontation.
They may even own a dog and use the dog to express their anger by allowing
it to aggress people.
Overcoming passive aggressive behaviour
If you behave in a passive aggressive way, and want to do something
about it, there are options:
Be assertive, open, and honest
Admit your negative feelings and anger
Contemplate your own behaviour, especially when it is inconsistent or dishonest
Look for the root of your conduct in each situation: what is making you upset?
Be in the moment, addressing your problem as it is happening
Behave in a manner that is consistent with your feelings
Interact with people in a more honest way
Admit that you are a liar
Be honest, even if it causes contention
You do not need to agree with everyone
Consider how irrational you are when you become angry
Learn to compromise
Speak clearly, simply and honestly
Become genuine
Ignoring passive aggressive behaviour is foolish. It will not simply go
away.
Your daily interaction with people demonstrates the truth of your conduct.
Pretending that you are friendly and nice is a fallacy when you behave in a
manner which contradicts this.
Talking with a soft voice is a deceit when your heart is hard and
unyielding.
One step?
The journey of a thousand miles may start with one step, but that step
entails doing something.
Taking action. Being committed.
If you are earnest enough to take one step and have the integrity to take
another, each step will lead somewhere.
Do not be disheartened. Do not give in to hate. Have courage. Be strong.
Page created
18 April 1995
Last updated
04 May 2023
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