Relationships


	Relationships

classes qigong tai chi kung fu about us reviews a-z

As you like it

People who attend a tai chi class always have their own agenda.
It may be conscious or it may be inadvertent.
e.g. despite many web pages clarifying our relationship with the class, a few students firmly believe that we are personal trainers.

One face for giving

It is common for students to be friendly and talkative when they want something and then haughty and distant on all other occasions.
This is a Chinese insight: "one face for giving and one face for taking".
Essentially, the student is only being friendly because they want something from you. Faux friendly.

Transactional

No matter how friendly and welcoming our class may be, some people will never be genuine or friendly.
They will not reciprocate.
Your relationship will remain business-like and aloof.
This is fine. The trick is to accept the situation, don't have any expectations and be cautious when sharing.

Context friendships

We all form relationships with people that are the product of the situation.
Most work friendships are fine in the context of the workplace but might fail miserably if we attempted to expand that relationship beyond work.
This is normal and healthy.
In a tai chi class, people are essentially 'tai chi buddies'.
lf they do form friendships that extend beyond class, this is great but for many people it will never happen.

Game playing

A lot of friendships and conversations revolve around rather obvious cultural games designed to promote status/prestige.
These have no place in a tai chi class.
Zen is blunt, direct, honest. There's simply no place for lame game playing.

Being comfortable

The by-product of the tai chi environment is a reprieve from the game playing commonly found in various situations that occur in our lives.
Rather than step cautiously through the minefield of self-promotion and competitive conduct, we can relax.
No one gets rewarded for being an arse. There is no merit in playing games.
It is easier and more satisfying for everyone to relax and get along.

Proof

Roberto Sharpe once spoke of how students often play nice and speak softly yet become aggressive during partner work.
In tai chi we are interested only in what is real.
A person can play whatever image suits their ego but their behaviour reveals the truth.

Treat everyone with kindness

We encourage Teaching assistants to treat everyone in class with kindness and patience.
This sure sounds easy...
But the functional reality will challenge you considerably.
Some people are just not nice and no matter how many years you work with them they will not change for the better.
Our role is to ignore their bad attitude, and remain professional regardless.

"Aslan is a lion - the Lion, the great Lion."

"Ooh…" said Susan. "I'd thought he was a man. Is he quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion..."

"Safe?" said Mr Beaver, "Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good."

(C S Lewis)

Keeping things respectful

People often try to second-guess Sifu Waller and occasionally sabotage his classes. This is kind of dumb.
For example - we once had an incident where a girl had been bullying people in class and at workshops.
I gave her a very stern warning but she essentially ignored it; believing the idea of herself rather than the reality.
Following an incident in class Sifu Waller became concerned that the girl's behaviour was becoming a problem and that she was complaining about health problems omitted from her martial disclaimer.
After talking with our insurers, he moved the girl to qigong & tai chi and asked me to handle it sensitively and respectfully.

Passive bullying

I settled the matter to both my satisfaction and that of the student, then e-mailed the other martial students in order to warn them not to behave as the girl had done.
A day later I got a further e-mail from the girl.
Somebody had taken it upon themselves to humiliate the girl by forwarding my warning to her.
The girl was upset and left the school - affecting Sifu Waller's income - and the perpetrator remained, unashamed by their cowardly, passive aggressive attack on the girl.

Undermining the instructor?

Sifu Waller had handled a delicate matter quietly; allowing the bullying girl her dignity.
And then another student had taken it upon himself to punish her.
For what reason? Malice? Sexism? Racism? A misguided attempt at chivalry?
Who knows...

Mutual

Ideally, student and teacher need to develop a relationship that is mutually beneficial.
The teacher passes on their skills in the belief that their trust and patience is being invested in someone who appreciates the significance of the information.
The student is aided in their discovery of the art, and makes steady, ongoing progress.
There should be mutual respect and friendship between student and teacher, without the need to resort to undue formality.

Poor relationship

Students and teachers do not always get along.
Some students feel that they are being marginalised or ignored. Or they imagine that they are being denied knowledge.
In their minds they are working hard and should be progressing according to their expectations.
This attitude/situation often results in the student becoming frustrated and annoyed.
Anger has no place in tai chi. Martial arts and emotion make for a volatile combination.

Move on...

When the relationship is failing, it may be time for the student to speak privately with the teacher, or find another class.
It is important to keep in mind that the teacher's role is not to say things that please you.
Your perception/evaluation of your ability, progress and skill may differ significantly from your instructor's.

Good manners

It is not uncommon for new students to behave badly in class.
They do not mean to be rude, but they are.
Typically, student and teacher have different standards concerning behaviour.
An instructor with 20-30 years martial arts experience may well be following bushido and expect the student to be developing an appreciation of bushido for themselves.
By contrast, the student may believe that the standards and behavioural norms of wider society are quite acceptable in class: greed, selfishness, self-promotion, interrupting, pushing...
Eventually, the student must yield or run the risk of being asked to leave the class.

A good relationship

A good relationship between student and teacher involves two people travelling down the same path together, and enjoying whatever comes their way.
Although there will be countless setbacks and obstacles, both people persist with their relationship and the tai chi improves.
One day, the student may reach a stage where the teacher feels that enough has been taught, and the student must walk alone.
This is a time of great joy.
The student has matured in their tai chi and must take responsibility for their own practice. In time, the student may learn how to teach, or they may continue to study patiently by themselves.

Westerners have some very good ideals. One is that they like the guts, they want to go to the heart of the matter and get the real stuff. They don't care about all the fluff. How does it work? Tell me how it works, then I'll do it.

The Chinese way is to have faith, do it a long time and maybe I'll tell you how it works.

(Allen Pittman)

Vanity

Sometimes students get upset when they are being corrected by their teacher. This is cringy.
Consider the situation and ask yourself why the person is becoming upset. The answer is not very palatable.
The student obviously has a different perception of the situation than the teacher.
They feel that the quality of the practice is high and deserves praise not corrections. The student resents the teacher for bringing them back to reality.

Demeanour

It is important for the student to have an attitude of enthusiasm and optimism when learning tai chi.
Being daunted by the volume of material, or feeling glum about progress is inappropriate.
Similarly, aggression and wilfulness are incorrect as well.
Frustration and whining only show that the student is failing to take responsibility for their practice.
By complaining, they are making it their instructor's problem. The correct attitude must be cultivated: composure, openness, softness and consideration.

The Southwood Protocol

Peter Southwood developed a simple set of guidelines for dealing with tai chi students:

Courteous, good manners, polite
Avoid familiarity or intimacy
Reserved, formal, set apart
Do not share thoughts or feelings
Self-restrained in manner and relationship

Some of these tips may seem unfriendly at first but are actually effective when facing adversity...

Imagine that someone is being rude to you

Do you become annoyed?
Many people would respond that way. However, it would break most of Southwood's protocols.
After all, sharing a negative emotional reaction is not composed, nor polite, nor necessary.
If somebody is unpleasant towards you, do you really want to share your personal/genuine/intimate self with that individual? Of course not.
So, you mentally and emotionally withdraw. You keep things aloof, impersonal, polite and professional.
This enables you to remain pleasant, well mannered and emotionally detached.

Friendship with each other

Teaching assistants are not your average students.
They are looking for a deeper grasp of the art and a better relationship with the teachers and one another.
No one is expected to arrange meals at their house but it is in everyone's interest for the teaching assistants to become friends.
Genuinely. Not fake or forced.

Friendship with the teacher

The ideal relationship with your teacher is that of an indoor student.
You feel relaxed and happy visiting their house, the vibrant teaching stimulates you and you enjoy your relationship with the teacher.
An indoor student learns the inner teachings.
Their art is rich and meaningful. The class has an impact on their lives. The teacher is their friend but not their 'life coach' or drinking buddy...